This post may contain affiliate links. See full disclosure here.
Twenty years ago today, I lost my mother. Twenty Years! I cannot believe it has been that long. So many things have happened in that time frame, that she missed. Or, maybe she didn’t. Perhaps she has been here all along, helping me and my siblings get through our lives. Not necessarily in person, but in spirit.
My mother was my age when she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer. I feel so young, and I have so many things I want to see and do. Certainly, she felt the same at 57 years young.
Spending time with our family was her most favorite thing to do, whether she was boasting about the achievements of my brother Mike, she was so proud of him; shopping and traveling with my oldest sister, Shelly – the one with all the cool stuff, helping my middle sister, Julie with her children – and encouraging her beautiful art, or traveling to see us in California, Colorado, Wisconsin, or wherever we were located at the time – to spend time with our family.
The Initial Diagnosis and Surgery
When she was first diagnosed, they went in and removed several inches of her colon. And, scooped out the tumor that had edged into her liver. She received chemo and radiation treatment. And, handled it relatively well.
Something I would never be capable of. Working Monday through a half-day Friday, and then getting her chemotherapy Friday afternoon. This meant she was out the whole weekend, exhausted and trying to recover, only to repeat the cycle on Monday.
In between that initial bout, she went to the oncologist every six months for blood work, and was “cured” or actually in “remission”. When someone has Stage 4 Cancer, it never goes away for long, and when it comes back, it comes at you full force. I remember the day my Mother’s Cancer returned. Or, at least when she told me.
It's Back and Aggressive
We were living in Wisconsin, and she called me. When I answered, she simply said, “The Other Shoe Dropped.” And I knew in that instant, exactly what she was talking about. And at that moment, the world stopped turning.
It was around Y2K, the year all the doom and gloom that was supposed to happen with the computers, food supply, etc. Already a strange year, a little like 2020 in a way. We were getting ready to move from Steven’s Point, Wisconsin, to Sussex, Wisconsin. A suburb a little north of Milwaukee.
Mom’s cancer came back with a vengeance and targeted her lungs. I saw her on her birthday, in June of 2000 and could tell something was wrong with her lungs. Looking at her x-rays, I could see the tumor in her lungs was larger. But, no one would listen, they didn’t want to hear that something was going wrong. And, I completely understand that.
I returned to Wisconsin and got the dreaded call, “You need to come to Kansas City, Mom is dying.” I packed up the girls in my Suburban and drove to Kansas City. I wanted them to have one last chance to see their Grammies.
When I got to the hospital, my mother was breathing funny. Her chest would bounce up and down violently lifting her body up and down. Her lung had deflated and the other was full of fluid. She told me she had to go to the bathroom.
After several attempts to get the nurses to bring in a portable toilet, I finally went out to the nurses’ station and said, “My mother has to go to the bathroom. You have two choices, either bring the portable toilet or change the sheets – You decide.” Of course, they came in with the portable toilet right away.
The funny thing about nurses, it’s like they know the minute the patient falls asleep. And that is the exact time they choose to come in to take vitals. My brother and I were in the room when the nurse came in, and we asked her to come back later. Mom had finally gotten to sleep. Which she did, but of course, the family story was that Mike and I had made a nurse cry. We were their heroes!
You Have to Constantly Battle for Your Family
We met with the doctors and asked if they could please try to drain her lung. We told them, this is what our mother would do for us. Not give up, and at least try. It took all four of us to convince them. They were reluctant but finally agreed to do the procedure. You see, it does take a village to save someone.
Two full liters of fluid were drained from her lungs! Within the next day or so, her lung re-inflated, and she started feeling better. We found out from a very nice nurse that her chart was marked “Terminal – keep her comfortable until she passes.”
They had already given up on her – and her Cancer had just come back! She hadn’t even begun to battle and they threw in the towel. Radiation was not something she wanted to do but knew it was necessary to shrink the tumor. And, eventually, she came home from the hospital. And life returned to normal, for a while.
Since this all happened twenty years ago, I cannot remember the exact timing of the second call I got. But it went much the same way, “Mom is dying, you need to get here now.” It was a much more urgent case, this time, and the kids were in school. So, I got on an airplane that evening and went to see her in the hospital.
When I got to her room, she looked at me and said, “You flew on an airplane?” And I nodded. She knew it was really serious because back then, I was extremely terrified of flying. But I had to get there quickly, and flying was the only way. Plus, by flying, I was able to spend more quality time with her.
A Little White Lie to Make Her Happy
She told me she didn’t like how the nurses came in the middle of the night to give her a sponge bath. So, I stayed with her all night, and when they came into her room, I told them she’d already had her sponge bath. They shrugged and left the room. It was so sweet to see her sleeping, and when I told her in the morning, she teared up.
My dad took her some canned peaches and she loved eating those peaches! We shared a bagel with cream cheese one morning. It was the best bagel she’d ever had, she said. That day I went to the store and bought dry shampoo to wash her hair without water. She loved having her head massaged.
Fresh gummy bears from Sam’s Club were a favorite of hers. So, she asked my sister to bring her some. Julie said, “No mom!” My mom said, “I can be good, I promise!” I had to laugh we were becoming the parents and she the child!
A few days later, she took a turn for the worse and ended up in ICU. She’d had too many visitors and it had worn her out. But she managed to battle back and survive that go-around.
She was a true fighter, a warrior, and wasn’t about to give up. So, once again, she was back out of the hospital and back home. And life returned to normal.
In October of 2000, we took the kids to see my mom. She was now wearing a wig but was so happy to see all of her grandchildren together. We took her out to dinner but she didn’t eat much, a few bites here and there. Her throat was hurting from the radiation, and it hurt to swallow. And, it caused her to feel full all of the time.
Her favorite “food” at the time was gummy bears and tootsie rolls. Although we had our video camera and filmed a lot of the nighttime activities with my mom. For some reason, it didn’t get recorded. That made me so sad I wish I had that video. The kids were in the kitchen carving pumpkins and my mom was thoroughly enjoying watching them.
At the end of December, she was re-admitted to the hospital for a few days. She had switched her insurance so that she wouldn’t be at the same hospital again. Her treatment hadn’t been great there. She referred to her Lung Doctor as “Dr. Death”. However, since she went in before January 1st, her old insurance ruled the hospital choice. Luckily, a few days later, she was released.
My dad really struggled with her illness. Whenever things would get too difficult, he would back away and let us kids handle things. Losing your best friend, wife, mother of your children, is all too much to take in.
One of her doctors once said, “Lillian, I don’t know if you have a month, a few weeks, or a year.” And she said, “And you could be hit by a MACK truck tomorrow.” So very true! Always a fighter. Ever the optimist.
Our next planned trip to Kansas City was in April of 2001. We used to go in April a lot, and we figured it would be a good time to go see my mother. In February, we were so snow-bound and cold, that we had to get out of Wisconsin and go somewhere WARM. So, we drove the girls to Disneyworld. None of us had been to Florida, or Disneyworld before.
It was great to get out and go to a happy place with so much doom and gloom surrounding us. We stayed in Vero Beach for a few days and got to see the Dodgers in Spring Training. The girls got to play on the beach and walk through the waves, and feel the sun on their faces.
I called my mom every day to check in with her. She was excited about our trip to Kansas City in April. Once we returned home, things were back to normal, the girls went to school, we went back to work, and I called my mom every day.
One day she asked me, “Are you going to be okay if I don’t make it?” I said, “Mom, I will be okay, but I will have a huge hole in my heart without you here.” I think she was asking me for permission to go.
Mid-March came and my mother got very, very sick. She went in for her Chemo, and her blood counts were not great. But they gave her the Chemo anyway, and it was not good. She was throwing up and struggling. Again, I got the call, “Mom is dying, you need to get to Kansas City now.”
I couldn’t do it. And, I felt so guilty. But I couldn’t go say goodbye again. It was too hard.
Saying Good Bye is Never Easy
My siblings and father were at the hospital and called me so I could tell her goodbye. The girls got to talk to her too. When I got on the phone, she was lucid. She said, “I knew you were going to bring me chocolate eclairs and not cheese this time!”
And once again, I told her I loved her and said goodbye. She didn’t hang up, she just stayed on the phone, “Sharing the Air”, is what we used to call it. And finally, I had to hang up. That was the last time I ever spoke with my mother.
My grandmother was in denial the whole time about her Cancer. The doctors were wrong, she wasn’t going to die. It was all a mistake. But my mother needed her permission to go.
She wailed, “Tell my mother she needs to let me go!” So, they called my grandmother and told her that she had to let her go. She reluctantly got on the phone with my mother and finally gave her permission to go.
I Just Knew It - She Sent Me A Sign
That night while sleeping, I abruptly awoke and sat up in bed it was 4:00 a.m. I could feel that my mother was gone. A few minutes later, my phone rang. It was my sister, Shelly, calling to tell me. I said, “Why did God take her from us?” She said, “Her body failed her, not God.”
Lucy, one of my mom’s dear friends, was on “death watch” with her the night she passed. She said she had fallen asleep and was awakened by someone sneezing. My mom couldn’t sneeze with the lung machine on, and there was no one else in the room.
At first, she thought my mom was already gone. But she wasn’t. God had awakened her, so she could witness my mom’s last breath. My mom was finally at peace, and we were all lost without her.
Losing a Loved One is So Hard
When someone loses a parent, especially a mother, I explain the feeling this way: It’s as if you are attached with a line to the space station, and then, your line is cut and you float aimlessly through outer space. It’s an eerie feeling of loss and loneliness.
You never get over the death of someone you love. NEVER. Link to my Mother’s Findagrave Memorial.
No one knows how much time they have. We are all just little pods flying around until we run out of gas. Some have large gas tanks, and some have small ones. We are but a wisp in the wind. And then we are gone.
We always make sure to tell our family and friends that we love them, we end our phone calls with it, and we give out the most wonderful hugs to each other. My Mom gave me the best hugs ever, and I miss them fiercely.
Colon Cancer is survivable if caught early. My husband has no known family history, yet had 14 Polyps discovered and removed at his Colon Cancer Screening when he turned 50. Go get yourself checked out. Screening Saves Lives.
Love one another, be nice to each other, forgive those who you have been angry with, live your life! Because you never know, you could get hit by a MACK truck tomorrow.
Fondly,
