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When I was growing up, a concussion was not considered a big deal. As I raised my children, head injuries were a constant concern. How would I know if my child had a concussion? I would simply shine a light in their eyes and if the pupils were dilated, I would know they had a concussion. Wrong, I was so very, very wrong.
A Split Second – Forever Changed
Ten years ago, a concussion changed my life forever. In my case, it was a “closed head injury” also known as a “traumatic brain injury”. In other words, the skull does not crack open and bleed; all bleeding is contained inside with nowhere to go. The skull and Dura Mater remain intact; the Dura Mater is the protective layer that surrounds the brain and the spinal cord. See the CDC’s definition here.
That particular day, I was planning to work from home. Living in Texas, we don’t have a lot of snow days or ice days. However, January 28, 2009, was icy and cold.
When I told my manager, Linda, that I would be working from home she said, “If I can drive in from Irving you can certainly make it from Plano. It seems silly, but I was actually bullied to come in when I should have stayed home. (Please note, I have changed the names in this post to protect the identities of the folks involved.)
I lived in Plano, and my office was a 15-minute drive. So, against my better judgment, I decided to go ahead and drive to work. My co-worker, Jan, who lived near me had to head in as well, so I picked her up too.
On the way in, we stopped and got food at McDonald’s. When I pulled into the parking lot, Jan said she was worried about slipping and falling on the ice. So, I parked next to a tree, so she could get out onto the grass instead of the pavement. Never thinking about what could happen to me.
The Beginning of a Living Nightmare
Getting out of my suburban, I had my McDonald’s and drink in my hands. Thus, I wasn’t holding onto the door handle. I stepped onto what we know now was “black ice” – which is hard to see. Once my foot hit the ice, I immediately slipped and fell, hitting the running board, a large round steel step to get into my suburban.
Pinball or Ping Pong – It was Not a Good Thing
First, I hit the step with my back, then with my neck, and then, with my head. I blacked out momentarily, but I could hear Jan screaming, “Sherri, oh my God, Sherri!” as she was coming around to my side of the car. Later she said the sound alone made her think I was dead. She said it sounded like someone had smashed a large pumpkin on the ground.
I was extremely lucky that she was with me that day. She immediately called our Senior Manager, John, who came out and put me in his car. He was saying that I could rest for a few minutes and then drive home.
As I sat in the front seat of the car, I lowered the visor and looked into the mirror. Jan was in the back seat. I checked my pupils and they were tiny pin dots, and I said, ”I don’t have a concussion.”
This Information is Essential
This is the important part. Parents, please pay attention, because this revelation totally rocked my world. I had just suffered a major head injury, I blacked out, yet my pupils were not dilated. But, I still had a concussion! All those years I thought my kids were okay, with that simple test and I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I cannot imagine how the football players get hit so hard, are cleared right away, and return to the game. It is a “game” – your head, your brain is your life! Concussions cause long-term damage that is irreversible. And yet, these players are sent right back in! It’s not worth it.
Thank Goodness I was Not Alone
Jan, sitting in the back seat, said, “No, we are not self-diagnosing today.” She turned to John and told him he needed to call 911. Interestingly, when the paramedics arrived, they were kind of lackadaisical about the whole thing.
I was still sitting in the front seat of the car when they did a “quick exam” of me. Basically, he ran his hand down my neck and back and asked if it hurt, then said I was fine. I said, “I’m not fine, my hands are numb and my back and head hurt.”
At that point, they put me on a stretcher with a head stabilizer and drove me to the hospital emergency room. Once there, I had a CT Scan, which showed that I had a concussion to my spinal cord as well as my head. They sent me home with Valium and told me to get lots of rest. This was a Wednesday, and I stayed home for the rest of the week.
Slow is Not Good
By Tuesday, things started to get really fuzzy and strange. My head felt like it was full of water, and I was talking slowly. I called my manager – “something is not right”. He sent me home right away.
Pressure was Building
The pressure inside my skull was increasing, because my brain tissue was swelling due to the injury. This was causing me to have all of the weird symptoms and issues.
Workers’ Comp (WC) is not the most pleasant way to have an injury treated. Initially, I was told to go to a local urgent care center, which I should have done.
I take full responsibility for not following that guidance. But, I didn’t – this is because I knew I had a brain injury and needed a Neurologist. Also, well, I had a traumatic brain injury and I couldn’t process things correctly.
I Needed Help
Finding a doctor that accepts WC is extremely difficult. I called multiple Neurologists and they all said “no”. After each no, I sat and cried – and I am not a crier! I felt like I was running out of time. Like my life was slipping away.
Finally, I found a doctor, who took WC and agreed to see me. As I was driving to the doctor’s office, the stripes on the street appeared to be coming up and at me. It was very difficult to concentrate, let alone drive.
Am I Confused or What?
Once I arrived and checked in, I sat in the waiting room. The other patients were speaking a different language. I must have looked incredibly confused because the office staff called me in to sit with them until the doctor could see me.
Turns out, Dr. M was Russian, as were so many of his patients. It was like being in a Russian village, and normally I would totally embrace the experience. But that particular day, I was too confused to enjoy it.
Once in with the doctor, he seemed to be disappointed that nothing was broken. It’s difficult to treat something you cannot see. And I am assuming that it’s even more difficult to make large claims for money. Thus, he said, “Yes, you have a concussion.” And, sent me home with Valium and told me to get some rest.
Internal Injuries are Invisible
The problem with a “Closed Head Injury” (CHI) or a “Traumatic Brain Injury” (TBI) is that no one can see anything wrong with you. It’s not a broken arm, leg, or shoulder.
A head injury is invisible. It is frustrating. No one understands what you are going through. Something wasn’t right and my brain was not working well. I was all alone, damaged, and had no idea how to get help.
My company’s WC representative said they couldn’t tell me what to do, again, I cried like a baby because I needed help. What they should have done was once again advised me to go to a local urgent care center, which I would have done at that point.
But having a brain injury, you aren’t able to think correctly. All I knew was that I was suffering and I was running out of time to get help.
We Found a Doctor
Finally, my husband called the company’s rep and she gave him the name of a Neurologist who would take WC. Again, WC treatment is not the same treatment I would have received if I had fallen at home.
It’s like a minimal treatment – the cheap treatment – get them in and out treatment. I so wish I had fallen in my own driveway. Yes, the struggle would have been the same, but the treatment would have been so much more compassionate.
When I went to see the doctor, I told him about my “issues” and he said it would take about a year to recover. He tested my nerves and did the brain tests, and sent me on my way. I felt like I was a burden, and he just wanted to get me out of his office.
At this point, I was having problems remembering names, my hands would not work correctly, and words looked completely jumbled and unreadable.
All of this during the most difficult time of life at my job – we were in the process of merging my company with another. Before my accident, I was heavily involved in the conversations. After my accident, I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.
My outward appearance was the same, but inside, I was continually struggling. Because of this, I was terrified that there was something wrong and had to fight to have an MRI. Luckily, it was fine.
Yes, my Dura Mater was damaged, yes I suffered a TBI, yes it was going to be a long recovery. Yet, everyone around me couldn’t see my injury – so they didn’t understand what I was dealing with.
Then, The Unthinkable Happened
A couple of months later, in March 2009, Liam Neeson’s wife, Natasha Richardson, died from a head injury she received when she fell while taking a beginner skiing lesson. She initially didn’t ask for help – and I think she felt silly because she had fallen.
It wasn’t a hard fall, but it was very damaging. A few hours later, she developed a severe headache and died two days later from an epidural hematoma. Suddenly, everyone was concerned about me. But still, no one understood or could help me.
I had to Develop My Own Brain Therapy
Spelling was something I had always been great at, but the accident changed that immensely. Thus, I started playing “Words with Friends” as therapy. The game was my saving grace. When I first started playing, the letters were all jumbled, and I couldn’t figure out how to put them together to form words.
But the more I played, the less jumbled they became. I still actively play this game today and credit the game for rehabilitating my spelling game. And, I encourage others with similar issues to play it as well.
There were also several words that eluded me, no matter how hard I tried to pull them from my brain. Basically, my brain had a roadblock on the highway to all the goods. I had to re-train my brain to find new side roads and paths to get to the information I knew was in there. It was a slow process, but I was improving.
Life Continued – Regardless of My Struggles
And during all of this, life was going on all around me. I lost pockets of memories from my life, throughout my entire life; there are holes and gaps. My short-term memory suffered the most.
Where before I could remember 10 digit numbers easily, now I couldn’t remember two. My hands were a mess – I couldn’t figure out how to hold two bags and open a door. They were all confused and discombobulated. A once fast-paced, capable person, I was now a total mess.
I specifically remember holding my one-month-old granddaughter in November of 2009 and someone asked me what her name was. Looking down at her beautiful little face, I didn’t remember her name and I shrugged. I had absolutely no idea and it was frightening.
Yet, I was working and trying to keep my job during a very difficult transition. I have no idea how I was able to hold on. Also, I was in the process of preparing for a major jaw surgery scheduled for the end of December.
Some Things are Just Unfair
A week before my surgery, I was called in to see my new manager’s boss. He basically explained that they had no room for me on the team and I had 30 days to find a job within the company or I would be terminated. I later discovered that my manager was claiming my work as her own and said I wasn’t doing anything.
This was completely ridiculous. How could they do this to me? Especially after I suffered a TBI on the company’s property, I got little to no care, and they wanted to let me go. This was a week before my jaw surgery, and I was already extremely anxious about it – and now I also had to find a job.
On December 29th, I underwent jaw surgery. It was six and a half hours long. Major surgery and extended recovery time. A luxury I no longer had. I had to focus next on getting a job. Additionally, I had to re-learn how to swallow. An unanticipated side effect.
A few weeks later, I interviewed for a position within the company – and miraculously, got the job. I still had the contraption in my mouth from the surgery so I had to speak very slowly. Luckily, the hiring manager knew I was able to do the job, regardless of my current condition.
My Brain is My Most Important Asset
I can’t explain how scary it is when your best asset, your brain, doesn’t function properly. And, with a brain injury, no two are alike. I hit the back of my head; it caused me to forget names.
The only upside in my case, I no longer get debilitating migraines or even simple headaches. But, when I do get one, it is unusual – it simply feels like someone is squeezing my head. Not the typical pounding that I used to get.
Although the doctor said it would take a year to recover, it has taken me several years. And I still deal with the after-effects of my injury each and every day. I can spell much better now, but typing is still a bit of a challenge and I suffer from short-term memory issues.
That is perhaps the worst part; sometimes I can’t remember conversations or meals I have shared with my family members. One of my daughters said, “Mom, I was at dinner with you when we that happened.” It is so unnerving. This conversation happened a few months ago.
I have been to a neurological therapist for follow up testing and everything looks good. My testing showed that I was where I was supposed to be for a woman my age with my educational background.
But that isn’t where I started. I was smart, I was fast, I had a great memory, and I was above the curve. Not an A student or anything, but street smart, creative, resourceful, innovative, and self-sufficient.
There is Only So Much Space in There
One thing he said that helped me the most was something like, “your brain can only hold so much information at a time – you have so many things going on that it has to throw some out.” And that has really helped me to cope. I’m not losing it, I am overusing it and it can’t handle all that I want it to at times.
I recently had dinner with two of my dear friends that I worked with during that time in my life. One turned to me and said, “you were not treated well when you suffered your head injury, were you?”
I know it sounds silly, but having someone who was there, acknowledging that I was not cared for properly, was comforting. And, it solidified my belief that it really wasn’t all in my head! The struggle was real.
I Am Lucky – It Could Have Been Much Worse
In spite of everything that happened that day, I consider myself to be very lucky. Being paralyzed was a real possibility if the damage to my spinal cord was more severe than a concussion. I could have died – but I didn’t; I am a survivor, a fighter, and I did not give up, no matter how hard it got, I kept going.
Ten years ago, my life changed forever. Now, I am a blogger, sharing my experiences, love of travel, all of the crazy things I am interested in. I research genealogy, I sew, I create, I cook, I evolve, I love, I live, I write; I am whole; I am myself again.
Blogging is Hard – But I Love It
During my struggles to overcome my injury, doing something with more than one or two steps wore me out. My head would start hurting – it felt like there was a vice grip on it.
The fact that I was able to learn how to set up my web site by myself, do all the technical things involved (and believe me – there are a lot), and find myself again is a miracle in and of itself. I am a one-woman shop, and I love it!
Life is short, things happen, spend time with your loved ones, be a nice person, treat others like you want to be treated – we all have our issues. But, we can overcome them if we work hard. If my story helps just one person, it will make my heart happy.
Enjoy,
